here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
