just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
