Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
