Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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