I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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