drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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