You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
