WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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