I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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