Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
