We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
