mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
