just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
