I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
