So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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