You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
