I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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