Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
