you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
