I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
