An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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