turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
