you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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