I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
