My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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