Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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