I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
