I hate your face
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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