the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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