dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
