Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
