When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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