I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
