I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
