Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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