one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
