A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I didn't notice because vodka
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
