Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
