the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
