I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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