after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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