i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
