foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
