Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
