Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
