I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
be right there i have to get my cape
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
