Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You don't make any sense
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