If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
