I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
