Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
