I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Dignity is for republicans.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
