No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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